WORDS OF WISDOM (22)

DECEMBER 27, 2009 - WORDS OF WISDOM (22)

ANGER

From the book: Seek Sobriety – Find Serenity, by Abraham Twerski

A gentleman who was admitted for rehabilitation from alcoholism was so angry that other residents were afraid of him. On the initial interview, it was evident that this man was struggling to avoid crying. In the privacy of my office I said to him:

“It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt; I promise I won’t tell anyone that you cried.”

He promptly broke down in uncontrollable sobbing.

This man’s anger was not hostility directed toward someone, but, rather was a desperate attempt to cover up his true feelings. He had been hurt deeply, but for whatever reason, he could not acknowledge his pain, - let alone express it. After all, big men do not hurt, let alone cry.

The man’s psychological system converted his pain - to anger. Since it is absurd to feel angry with someone without reason, he would find trivial things to - justify - his anger. These were weak rationalizations to account for a feeling he could not express in any other way. Whether we feel angry toward others or we think others feel angry toward us, we should ask ourselves:

“Is this anger legitimate, or is it a result of some other feeling that is being denied?”

If someone seems hostile, we should consider the possibility that - the anger is not directed toward us, and avoid reacting defensively. If we feel angry toward another, we should realize that this anger may be unjust, and learn to - acknowledge our true feelings - and express them in a way that doesn’t hurt ourselves or anyone else.”

On another note, the best advice I ever heard at a meeting was: When someone says or does something that disturbs me, acknowledge that:

1. “I have a problem” – rather than “You S.O.B.” (This way "I" own it. It’s "my" problem; not your problem.)

2. Acknowledge how I feel. “When you speak in that tone of voice, curse at me, yell at me - I feel….
(I accept responsibility for my own feelings.)

“Can you please stop doing that, so don’t shut down and disappear emotionally.”
( I acknowledge that I want to have a healthier relationship with you.)

Here’s another way of looking at the role anger plays in our lives.

What comes out of an orange when you "squeeze" it? The answer is obvious. Orange Juice!
But why? Because that’s what “inside” it!
What comes out of you, when you get “squeezed?”
Do “events” or “people” make you angry, or do “events” or “people” simply give you the opportunity to “erupt,” like a volcano, and express the anger – that lies buried - deep inside you?

Namaste, (The light in me “honors” the light in you.)
Jack