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every time i get a few weeks or months sobriety I think maybe this time i can control it.

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Here's how I had it explained to me --" Take a cumcomber and put it in some vinagar and spices and it becomes a "Pickle" - - no matter what you do to that "pickle" it will always be a "Pickle". SO it's Ok to be a "Pickle" as long as know that you will always be one. BE the best "Pickle" you can be. God Bless you

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